


If You Loved Me, Why'd You Leave Me? (take my body, take my body)

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mindfuck, Non-Linear Narrative, Rape/Non-con Elements, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 03:26:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9638870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The last time Alexander was at a funeral, he got fucked in the back of a truck.Non-linear time, confusing as shit.





	1. When You Said Your Last Goodbye, (i died a little bit inside)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another reminder that the events jump around quite a bit because time is not linear. The second chapter has the same events in chronological order.

The last time Alexander was at a funeral, he got fucked in the back of a truck. 

The funeral was a Sunday in December, and John was there, and John had his face buried into Alex's jacket, and he was laughing. Alex had stroked John's head very carefully. He put his other hand on his back, resting there. 

After the funeral Alexander climbs into the back of the Chevrolet. He pushes himself onto the metal and fucks himself with his fingers. 

The funeral is on an April morning, and John isn't there. Alexander stuffs his hands in his pockets. He almost laughs. 

When John was done, he lifted himself up, held himself over Alex. He had been crying, too, blue tears streaked on that starry face. He opened his mouth, and his lips cracked. 

John licked the blood from his mouth. 

Later, when he got home, he would take a bath. He scrubbed himself until his skin was raw and bleeding. 

When Alex is done, he pulls his fingers out. He is crying. He wipes away his tears with the back of his hand. He does not open his mouth.

There is no John to lick away the blood.

He goes home and he takes a bath. Everything he does is slow, lazy. Like he's drugged. He takes a bath. He forces his head underwater until his body forces it up, spitting and spluttering on the cool tiles. 

Afterwards, when he's home, he lays on the bed. There are no hands anywhere. 

"I miss you." He says to the empty air.  
It scares him that he means it. 

When John had grasped his hand and pulled- away from everyone, away from the coffin, Alexander tried to speak. To say, "Where are you taking me?" John put his finger on his lips and Alex sucked it in. Bit down on the fleshy digit. John pulled his finger from his mouth. John slapped him, hard. 

John took him to the truck. John put him in the back. Alexander was pressed against the hard -too hard!- metal. "Is this okay?". Alex nodded.

Alex has to pull himself away, later. Away from everyone. Away from the coffin. He could almost hear John say, "I'm about to change your life."  
He put his finger in his mouth and he bites down, hard. 

He goes to the truck. He presses himself on the metal. Nothing is okay anymore.

Nothing was okay. 

Afterwards, when they were at home, John held him in bed. John's hands on his head and thighs. John's hands on his back and arms. John's hand's everywhere. Alex didn't tell him that his hands were on his bruises. Adjusted himself so the sore parts weren't put under pressure. Didn't complain when his clothes rubbed his skin raw. 

"I love you," John said.  
"I love you, too." Alex said. 

It scared him that he meant it.


	2. I Lay in Tears, in Bed All Night (alone, without you by my side)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Events in chronological order.

The last time Alexander was at a funeral, he got fucked in the back of a truck. 

The funeral was a Sunday in December, and John was there, and John had his face buried into Alex's jacket, and he was laughing. Alex had stroked John's head very carefully. He put his other hand on his back, resting there. 

When John had grasped his hand and pulled- away from everyone, away from the coffin, Alexander tried to speak. To say, "Where are you taking me?" John put his finger on his lips and Alex sucked it in. Bit down on the fleshy digit. John pulled his finger from his mouth. John slapped him, hard. 

John took him to the truck. John put him in the back. Alexander was pressed against the hard -too hard!- metal. "Is this okay?". Alex nodded.

When John was done, he lifted himself up, held himself over Alex. He had been crying, too, blue tears streaked on that starry face. He opened his mouth, and his lips cracked. 

John licked the blood from his mouth. 

Later, when he got home, he would take a bath. He scrubbed himself until his skin was raw and bleeding. 

Afterwards, when they were at home, John held him in bed. John's hands on his head and thighs. John's hands on his back and arms. John's hand's everywhere. Alex didn't tell him that his hands were on his bruises. Adjusted himself so the sore parts weren't put under pressure. Didn't complain when his clothes rubbed his skin raw. 

"I love you," John said.  
"I love you, too." Alex said. 

It scared him that he meant it. 

The funeral is on an April morning, and John isn't there. Alexander stuffs his hands in his pockets. He almost laughs. 

Alex has to pull himself away, later. Away from everyone. Away from the coffin. He could almost hear John say, "I'm about to change your life."  
He put his finger in his mouth and he bites down, hard. 

He goes to the truck. He presses himself on the metal. Nothing is okay anymore.

Nothing was okay. 

After the funeral Alexander climbs into the back of the Chevrolet. He pushes himself onto the metal and fucks himself with his fingers. 

When Alex is done, he pulls his fingers out. He is crying. He wipes away his tears with the back of his hand. He does not open his mouth.

There is no John to lick away the blood.

He goes home and he takes a bath. Everything he does is slow, lazy. Like he's drugged. He takes a bath. He forces his head underwater until his body forces it up, spitting and spluttering on the cool tiles. 

Afterwards, when he's home, he lays on the bed. There are no hands anywhere. 

"I miss you." He says to the empty air.  
It scares him that he means it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This still didn't really make everything clear so there will be a third chapter, explaining the events that happened.


	3. But if You Loved Me, Why'd You Leave Me? (take my body. take my body)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To those still confused.

It starts with John and Alex are at John's father's funeral. They have been in an abusive relationship for about 2 years. John is laughing and crying into Alex's shoulder. He starts to lead Alex away from the funeral. Alexander knows what he's doing and tries to protest. John covers his mouth, so Alex bites his finger. John hits him.

The writing is mellower on purpose because this is from Alex's POV and he's not in a healthy mindset. He's been emotionally and physically abused for so long that he truly doesn't think that John did anything really bad, when in reality, John did. 

John pushes Alex in the back of a truck. He asks if that is okay. Alex is petrified, disassociating, and going nonverbal, so he only nods. John rapes him in the back of the truck. 

They go home together. Alex takes a bath and cries because he feels dirty and sore. 

Later, when they're laying in bed together, John says that he loves him. Alex replies that he does, too, and he means it. 

Skip to a few months later, at John's funeral. Alex has to pull himself away from the coffin. He goes to the truck and forces himself down in the back, and mimics John's rape with his fingers. He wants John back so badly that he would hurt himself to remember him.

Alex goes home and tries to drown himself in the bathtub, but ends up failing. 

Then he says that he misses John, and he's terrified because he actually means it.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from All I Want by Kodaline.
> 
> Unbetaed, all mistakes are mine.


End file.
